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Today Now! interviews the 5-year-old screenwriter of Fast Five

Last night Mr. Sparkle and I attended a screening of Fast Five, the latest of the The Fast and the Furious franchise. You’ll have to wait until Friday for the review, but to wet your appetite we will...

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Economy Failing Because U.S. Built On Ancient Indian Burial Grounds

Breaking news from The Onion. Report: Economy Failing Because U.S. Built On Ancient Indian Burial Grounds

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New study explains why Comic Sans is so hilarious

The Onion News Network reports that Princeton University psychologists of the Center for Brain, Mind, and Comic Sans have uncovered the reason why the typeface is so damn funny. New Study Explains Why...

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Apple Announces Steve Jobs 2.0

Apple users need fear no longer now that Apple has announced Steve Jobs 2.0 is on the way.

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Tim Tebow’s Success Inspiring Other Teams To Start Shitty Quarterbacks

The Onion News Network pundits discuss the Astros, the end of the NBA lockout, and how Tim Tebow’s Success is Inspiring Other Teams To Start Shitty Quarterbacks.

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Introducing Arby’s Grab-N-Go

Arby’s has introduced its new $2.99 Grab-N-Go Meal Deal which allows customers “to go behind the counter at any franchise location and grab as much roast beef as they can with their bare hands” for $3....

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Here comes Mingmei

Check out The Onion’s latest scoop that Tyler Perry has an entire new movie franchise on the way. Tyler Perry Expands His Fan Base With New Films About Sassy, Chinese Grandmother

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The Onion’s interview with the man behind Nicolas Cage’s career

For more than 30 years puppeeter Glen Soziak has been delighting audiences with his work behind the scenes operating the lifelike puppet known as Nicolas Cage. Meet The Man Inside The Nicolas Cage...

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The Onion examines the real “fun” of March Madness

“The first and last big memory of adulthood for almost all of these young men will be failing in front of a national audience.” Welcome to March Madness. Nation Abuzz With Prospect Of 18-Year-Old Boys...

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Broncos receivers worried about Peyton Manning

It turns out that not everyone is happy to see Peyton Manning as a Bronco. The Onion reports the Broncos current receivers are worried that they will be forced to prove they can actually catch passes...

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Ron Paul’s Whimsical Jalopy

The Onion News Network reports on Ron Paul courting voters in his huffing, puffing, whimsical steam-powered vehicle. Ron Paul Makes Campaign Stop In Whimsical Jalopy

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Breaking Comic News from The Onion

Check out all the comic book related new stories The Onion has for you including a hopelessly overweight Captain America, Green Lantern’s displeasure at his Six Flags roller-coaster, and the fact that...

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What Is Your Amateur Porn Telling Employers About You?

The Onion takes a look at What Your Amateur Porn Is Telling Employers About You. Funny, but certainly NSFW.

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Romney’s Terrifying Google Search History Leaked

The Onion breaks the news on just what the Presidential hopeful spends his time googling. Romney’s Terrifying Google Search History Leaked

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The GOP’s best hope for 2016

With President Barack Obama reelected and back in office for another four years, The Onion takes a look at the early front runner for the Republican nominee for the Presidential race of 2016: a...

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Apple Promises To Fix Glitches In Map Software

The Onion reports that Apple has come to an unusual solution to problems of their iPhone Maps application by rearranging the Earth’s geography to match the inaccuracies of their software. Apple...

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The Hobbit stays faithful to Denny’s Menu

The Onion reports how Peter Jackson was careful not only to make sure The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey stayed true to not only J.R.R. Tolkien’s original work but also the The Hobbit-themed Denny’s...

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Disorganized, manipulative, and extremely dangerous sociopaths enter Congress

Not sure this exactly qualifies as “breaking news” (as it seems to happen in Washington D.C. every day of the week), but the short video still worth a look for fans of The Onion. Authorities On Alert...

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USA Network’s upcoming 90 new shows

The Onion takes a good-natured poke at USA Network’s increasing number of hour-long dramas. You can find the embed after the jump due to the video’s stupid autostart.

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HP Offers ‘That Cloud Thing’

It tuns out HP is the perfect cloud solution for “emails, facebooks, texting, and CD-ROMs.” Who knew? (Hidden after the jump because of the auto-start.) HP Offers ‘That Cloud Thing Everyone Is Talking...

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The magic of Downton Abbey

Starfix speculates on whether or not fans of Downton Abbey may finally get to see the wizards using their powers this season. Will Season Four Of ‘Downton Abbey’ Finally Show The Wizards Using Their...

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The Onion’s tour of the Olympic Village

Here’s The Onion’s Olympic Village Tour: See Where The Athletes Live, Train And Fuck Each Other.

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NFL Concludes Ex-Players Taking Their Own Lives Because ‘They Miss Football...

NFL Concludes Ex-Players Taking Their Own Lives Because ‘They Miss Football So Much’

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New Humane Head-Ripping-Off Machine

Ohio Replaces Lethal Injection With Humane New Head-Ripping-Off Machine

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All Modern Narratives Derived From Classic Alien Vs. Predator Conflict

Literary Study Finds All Modern Narratives Derived From Classic ‘Alien Vs. Predator’ Conflict

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